A strange confidence has hovered on me. Like a blast of flesh air, it has sprinkled me with new thoughts to act on! I think of working on it, with speakers thundering in my ears and urging me to go for more. With a cute and fancy smile plastered to my face, I start. I gasp. Why? All in a jiffy I lose it. Fuck..its dwindling. I see it crashing down like a pack of cards at a horrifying speed. No, I lost it. I dint even experience a transition here, goddamit! I curse to myself. Amused at the speed at which I turned the smile into a question mark I sit with disbelief hovering on my head now. Wish it gives way to something else, I thought. I shrug hard, to transit to where I started. Nope, the remote has been adjusted and the channel of brood and disappointment is going to stay for a while, I realized. I swivel my head for lots of things sometimes and sometimes for answers. And there I found my answer in the form of an air-bed ,the one that I crash on in sickness, solitude and for sleep.
The air-bed is a strange space of its kind. Never uniform, never tight, it seems to buoy to the thoughts in your mind. As i wrestle and struggle with it to find my balance, i hear grumblings from underneath. Is it my belly, my mind or my bed? Chuckling on my ill-fated humor, I play flip-flop with my eyes. Nothing seems stark enough to shake me off from this mood.
Laying there, seeing the ceiling fan go round and round, I try to attach some kind of confounded reasoning to all the worthlessness I am surrounded with. This moment typifies me, I thought to myself. Never do I do what I am supposed to and as always I compensate my laggardness by observing the worthlessness. A good start I thought to get back. Now what do I do. No wait, another thought has popped up. I see an air-holed plastic bag swirling around in air. I decided to follow the bag. I see it being blown into a one healthy shape, filled with excitement. But then it deflates again, toppled in another direction, breaking into a nonchalant strut. Guess it knows its joy is shortlived for it hurriedly breaks into a carefree dance. It trips, breaks and falls unable to contain its excitement.
Trying to launch into another flight, it waits. It has waited for too long now. When it gets help, it refuses to budge. It lays there looking at the branches swaying to the wind. The damp grass it was lying on was twitching and turning to the insects that were playing hide and seek in them. It felt it made a connection to all the worthlessness around.
As it lies, so I reflect in bliss.
The plastic smile is back on my face. I felt connected again. Flash! Something sped by. I look around. The air bag, trying to redeem itself, is left in tatters. The smile is fast slipping away, dropping my jaws, with my eyes darting around unable to react. It was a speeding truck I guess. Tearing it beyond recognition, it managed to trickle tears down the contours of my cheek. The transition has taken place. I look up at the circling blades of the fan and the cycle continues.